My tank runneth over

I'll just say it: This has been, by far, the most difficult year of autism we've experienced thus far.

Major behavior changes have brought weekly team meetings, medication changes, new doctors, new therapists, and two exhausted parents.

Today, a need for some free wi-fi (and Rose Mary and Caden's begging) brought us to the library after school. Yes- Waylon's first trip to the library in years. 

I sat in the parking lot and gave everyone the shpeel: be quiet, behave, 2 books each, no arguing. Waylon and I strategically waited in the library's front hall, alone (except for the free wi-fi and the Walter family- neither of which pass any judgment) while the others checked out their books.

Momma Walter said "Wow! Waylon is doing so good!" and I was like
Holy Crap she's right!

We chatted for a bit with the Walter fam, we sat in the window seats and sang songs, we looked at the art, he licked the Beatrix Potter display.

It felt so... normal.
Just a mom and her freaking adorable kid chilling in the library.

A new BCBA (that's fancy for behavior therapist) came to the house last week. He said to pretend that Waylon has an "attention gauge" on his shirt... and when the gauge looks like it's about half-full we should go ahead and fill up his tank- by sitting down with him and giving his favorite deep hugs and singing his favorite songs, before the gauge becomes dangerously close to empty (meltdown time). Brilliant! Right?!

Well, I realized that these past few months have left my tank dangerously close to empty. The new behaviors have nearly zapped my strength and my sanity. I was so busy worrying about the kids, and making phone calls, and filling out paperwork, I didn't realize that my gauge was running low.
Today, Waylon filled up my tank.

Now my tank will start to empty again (actually I think I lost 1/4 of a tank between 4:00 and 5:00 tonight) and I will have to find ways to fill it back up.

And you know, here's the thing: although our date nights are very important, and our time at work being "normal people" is important, and being able to crush candy at 10pm in a silent house is important, that's actually not what fills up my tank. That's survival stuff. 

Love. That's what fills up my tank. Love.

Today, Waylon- my boy who can't talk, and can't hardly look at me, and mostly screams, showed me love.

My tank runneth over.